So, today I had a really weird moment. A friend was complaining about herself and how she was "fat" (she totally isn't but even if she was, fat is subjective and honestly not something for me to say anyone is or isn't..and I don't view people that way anymore.)
anyway
she paused for a bit and I felt that girlish need to start complaining about myself. Because that's what we're taught to do, one girl says "omg I'm so fat" and another says "omg whatever I'm fatter, look at these thighs" etc. This is a real thing. Not just in the movies. People do this. We not only do this, we are TAUGHT that this is how to respond. That when one person puts themselves down, we are to respond by putting ourselves down. So we can be miserable together. Or make them feel better, because we are obviously the lesser person.
When did this become acceptable behavior? Why are we not teaching our children to build each other up? There is always this "ideal" to achieve in our society and it rarely has to do with education or mental state; it's about our LOOKS. The one thing that we honestly can't control too much. Obviously I could lose or gain weight, but what about other things? Our noses? the shape of our ears? We all complain about things that cannot be changed and spend so much time hating ourselves that we forget to love ourselves. If we can't love ourselves how can we expect to believe that anyone else does?
That said; I struggle daily with loving myself in spite of my depression. It is extremely hard to love yourself when you're complaining about something to someone, or just overall acting "crazy". mine looks a lot like this:
*hey how are you doing? you didn't text me goodnight..and it says you saw my texts..I know you said you were busy but I don't understand why you can't find at least a minute to send a quick text* (this is the tame version haha)
*seen 2:00*
*no response*
in my head: omg what if he's talking to someone else? does he not love me anymore? had he finally decided I'm just too clingy? it says seen, and online, so he's ignoring me. I'm worthless
now. From this there are many hours of obsessing until there is finally a response. obsessive behavior is the bane of my existence. I check my messages from them every 5 minutes when I am being obsessive. I realize it is not healthy and I work on it. I'm just a clingy person, and obviously they understand that!
How can you love yourself when you are acting like this? How can you say "well, this is part of who I am. I am working on it..but even at that I am failing"
I am finding that it is extremely difficult, but what choice is there? If I hate myself for this behavior it solves nothing. All you can do is work on it. Loving yourself through these times is HARD. it is SO HARD. probably one of the hardest things I've ever attempted to do, but I would rather try and fix my issues and love myself through it, than sit around hating myself and doing nothing to change it.
This is what we need to teach our children, our friends, our spouses, our families. That you can always work on improving yourself from the inside out. Our brains are wonderful things and improving them is much better than obsessing over something so trivial as our big nose, or eye color, or the way our hair sticks up. We need to work on education, being a good person, loving who we are even through the rough times.
It's really no wonder that our society is the way it is about mental illness. Those of us with it are taught that we are damaged. As if we didn't already feel bad enough about who we are. Society tells us we are ruined. Not only our bodies, but our minds as well. How can anyone come back from that? Not only do we get the girly "omgerd I must hate myself because that's what we do" we get the "hey you hate yourself? THAT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE FUCKED UP"
just
sigh...
I wish I could write more, and maybe better haha, but this is what I've got. I've been working a TON lately so my brain is pretty mushed. I just figured I should get some of these thoughts out.
Love yourselves, and love each other, while you still can
