sick, tired, stressed, and expectations.

I swear, ever since I got on birth control my hormones have turned my depression into some crazy beast. It seems like PMS is not only PMS but OMG FREAAAK OOOUUUTTT. I am so over it. The other day I actually had the thought "no one would even notice if I disappeared" and to be honest no one really would. People would assume I was busy and it would take AT LEAST a week for anyone to notice.
My bf said he would notice, and he might, but part of me wonders if he really would notice, or if it would take a couple days.
Part of this is probably the depression speaking; because generally he's the most amazing bf ever. But I just have to wonder if he would even notice.
I feel like no one would notice. Work would only notice after 3-4 days, and even then I think they'd assume I just quit. I don't think they'd actually check on me.



Ok I just had a moment of clarity lol. My BF works with me. If anything they'd bug the shit out of him until he checked on me. But that's the issue with depression. It doesn't give two fucks about the truth and instead will feed you poisonous thoughts that consume your soul.



I'm really sick of this though. I want to be happy again without this soul-sucking leech attached. Honestly between the divorce, moving, starting a new relationship, and stressing like a motherfucker about bills I'm surprised I haven't lit myself on fire while screaming.

Life is fucking hard, and anyone who says it isn't is a fucking liar.

and stress is the fucking devil.

and I'm damn sick of stressing about money. I'm sick of stressing about school, and I'm sick of stressing about work. I really just wish things could be easy for once. just ONCE in my life I'd like things to go the way I plan..or at least not be so goddamn hard.

I did read an article recently that said expectations kill relationships...and I was thinking expectations actually ruin quite a few things. The reality is rarely what we expect, and yes we can roll with the punches, but that doesn't make things any easier to handle. There is still that disappointment and the feeling of doubt when things don't go according to plan.

Maybe I just plan too much. I prefer to think of potential outcomes and hope for the best. Maybe that's my problem; I hope for the best, so I'm constantly disappointed. On the other side of the coin...if I constantly planned for the worst I would be in a constant state of negativity and stress.

One of my friends said I should look into therapy and I think maybe I will, but the problem for me is finding the time. I barely have time for anything. Especially when I have busy weeks at work. Hell the other week I worked 56 hrs. When I do work a "short" (read:NORMAL) week; all I want to do is relax and get caught up on sleep/cleaning/laundry/etc. Mainly sleep. last week I slept 14 hrs on my day off. I've also had a nonstop cold/flu grossness for months. It seems like it goes away for a day or so and then comes right back.

I guess I'm just a mess...well..back to homework since it's already a day late and I'm just procrastinating now anyway

feeling like a failure

So, I'm sure a lot of this is from hormones. I've been a bit of a mess lately, but man, I am feeling like such a failure. I think I need to take a social media break but I hate being "alone" and find it hard to not be on social media. Lately I've been looking at all the things everyone else has and been jealous.. insanely jealous..and it manifests in this feeling of failure. As if they have done more or lived more than I have.
I get upset that everyone else has families, great jobs, etc etc and I'm sitting here working at a job I dislike, with 2 failed marriages under my belt. Some days it is so hard to not feel like a complete worthless failure. The best part is that I KNOW that I am not a failure. Most people who have been through the shit I have do not turn out like I did. They become addicts, commit suicide, make bad decisions, etc. I'm not a statistic of the life I was raised in.
I get overwhelmed with work, school, and life. The stress from bills and my hours fluctuating has me breaking out in pimples and hives. I stress about what I'm going to do next, where my life is even headed, if I'm good enough for the people around me...I mean hell brain, stfu for 5 minutes and I might be happy!
this feeling of failure will go away. it always does. but lately it's been lingering around longer than I would like. bleh. just bleh. now I'm off to procrastinate on hw and take a nap. hopefully.

The Anger....and Why I Never Want to Be Depressed Again.

So, my thoughts on who medication makes me will always be positive. I feel that the antidepressants allow me to be myself. The person I want to be. Not the person who is constantly hating life, having high highs and low lows, and the person who is angry. all. the. fucking. time.
When I am off my meds I hate life. I hate everyone, and mostly I hate myself. My head will constantly tell me how horrible I am, how much of a failure I am, how unworthy I am of anything and everything. Not only this; I get angry about everything. I blow up and yell and scream. I throw things. I get mad about every little thing.
The "real" me is not always fun to be around. Obviously I had coping mechanisms and was okay to be around most of the time; but I have hurt those who love me. I have been hurt due to the way I was acting and how the person reacted. It just is not fun. It isn't romantic. I am not some "real" person off my meds. I am a "real" person ON my meds. When I was depressed (and even now when I have episodes), I wished I could just be normal. I just wanted to not be so fucking miserable. being miserable 24/7 isn't fair to you or to the people around you.

To be honest, now that I have been on meds that work (after the rollercoaster of trying different meds), I can look at how I previously acted and realize that I deserve better than that. I don't deserve to deal with that amount of anxiety, self hate, and overall anger and sadness.
I take medication for me.
It may help those around me, and I realize that they play a part, but the main reason is for myself.
After a suicide attempt and lots of self harm, I think I need to treat myself a little bit better.

right now I'm going through a lot of changes and life transitions, and I find the depression creeping back. Some days are worse than others, but at the end of the day I would never ever ever want to be the "real" me. Which is a horrible version of me. It isn't the real me, it's a bastardized version of me that honestly is all the dark things in my body. There has to be a balance of light and dark, when dark takes over too much something has to be done to attempt to even things out.

the guilt depression leaves

Does anyone else ever have horrible guilt that just eats away at your ability to be normal? Even when I am having a good day I notice that the guilt of the past creeps in. Things I may have said while super insecure, or angry, or Gods forbid BOTH, end up making me feel horrible for days afterwards. I feel out of control and sometimes do not even REMEMBER what was said. I have family members who do not talk to me for things I have said in the past that I have no recollection of.
Currently I was super insecure and it affected my relationship, and oh boy, now I have to explain to new relationship person that I was just super insecure. I mean, he knows I'm batshit crazy, but I don't think he realized what exactly that entailed. This is my batshit crazy. "take it or leave it but mostly take it because I really like you"...yeah that should go over well.

The other issue I have is that I have personal stuff that I have never told anyone. Which I have told this person, so they believe that I am a closed-mouth private person. But when it comes to other stuff that in my head I deem unimportant, for example "hey so and so was over and we did this", they find that to be an issue, because they are private. So now I feel like a HUGE fraud. Like maybe I am some loudmouth who craves attention so much that she will tell everyone everything in the hopes that they will find common ground and suddenly want to be friends.

The feeling of wanting friends stems from my feelings of inadequacy as a person. Because we are constantly told that people are supposed to be successful, have friends, have family, and have all these specific things in order to be deemed "real people". AKA not sit alone by themselves for hours on FB because they have nothing else that they want to do. It isn't even that I don't have things to do, well sometimes it is, but mostly it's just that I don't want to do anything. I want my brain to be on autopilot, liking photos of kittens and babies and interracial relationships and whatever the hell else my FB is full of.

The feeling that I will never be good enough for anyone is seriously hindering my progress as a person. For this reason I overshare, try too hard, am too hard on myself when I fail, and in general I am just extremely insecure. I have tried not being so insecure, and honestly some days it's super easy. If I feel like I look pretty or I feel somewhat successful, everything works out fine. But the minute ONE THING GOES WRONG...my whole day is toast.
This is especially hard in the restaurant industry, but I generally try to push through it and just try harder and basically ignore the issue until it is safe to dwell on it, and oooooh boy do I enjoy dwelling on things. Oh I shouldn't say I enjoy, the shitass depression monster enjoys the fuck out of it; because it makes the real me hurt. It brings so much pain, and that's what that piece of shit lives off of.
How is it that we are our own worst enemies? It really makes me wonder how normal people think. I mean, do they have this voice in their head like "hey you tried your best! it's all okay!"? because my voice in my head is like "wow way to be a fuck up, jesus christ can't you do anything right?"
and I wonder what it must be like to have your own little cheerleader instead of this demon that tries to drag you down 24/7.
When they say that depression is a fight they are not fucking kidding. You are fighting yourself every minute of every day.
For example, right now I keep looking down at my keyboard to type and seeing my belly, and rationally I realize I have a nice belly and I lost 50 lbs recently, so there is no reason to be super crazy about it. Well I look down and see this fat roll and think "wow, lost weight and you're still a fatass. good job at nothing. cow." FTR I went from a size 18 to a 12. So like, rationally I know this is bullshit because hello, size fucking TWELVE yo.
I also keep thinking " your dude is mad at you for oversharing constantly so what do you do? write a blog. good idea. that seems extremely private. idiot"

So yeah, personal cheerleader? come save me from this asshole who lives in my head because omfg asshole is an asshole. srsly.

craziness lately

I feel like I've been in a non-stop whirlwind of stress and craziness lately. I'm getting a divorce, again. This not only fucks with my depression in the sense of "wow great job at failing at marriage again" but also the sense of "fuck, now you have to take care of yourself.

I'll tell ya, I've never lived on my own 100%. I've always lived with friends or spouse/SO's. The idea of being 100% alone is scary as fuck. I am an extrovert. I love having people around. I absolutely hate being alone. Being alone is one of the reasons my marriage failed in the first place. There are many many many reasons, but my depression, being alone, and things just not working out (read:problems with him that I won't post about) are the main issues.
I'm actually starting another relationship and it's making me feel like even more of a failure. Not only do I constantly seem to do the wrong thing. I am just feeling like I can't keep my shit together as much as I want to.
I want this new relationship to work out SO much, but I keep fucking things up, then it fucks with my depression even worse, and it's like a nonstop "hey you're a fuckup" battle.
How do you stop the nonstop fuckups? when does it stop? I feel like there has to be something. I just can't figure it the hell out. this is the shittiest feeling and I just feel hopeless.


This is me on 450mg of Wellbutrin. Situational depression can still affect regular depression no matter how much medication you take. I guess I just need to wait it out and hope for the best. Sometimes it's the waiting that really gets to you.

Suicide

So, a colleague called in yesterday saying he couldn't come to work because there was a death in the family. I found out today that this was via suicide. 

Now, I was completely not triggered by this, because people commit suicide. It is a fact of life. I offered to buy my colleague dinner and told him that if he ever needed anyone to talk to I was here for him. I also made sure to check on him throughout the day and hugged him as many times as I could (we’re cool like that). He’s taking it ok as he wasn’t extremely close to this family member, but he is very worried for his aunt, as it was his cousin who committed suicide and his uncle just passed last year.

I can only imagine how hard it is to lose someone to suicide, as I have only lost people to cancer, lupus, and old age. I feel that I am a pretty empathetic person though and I try to put myself in their position; imagine what they are feeling, and try to help in any way possible. He knows he can call me for anything, and I also told him he may want to look into a therapist for a bit, since I know that death from suicide can take a while to process and is extremely hard on one’s own.

Now the issue I had that really triggered me for the day (it’s funny because until someone points it out I don’t notice) is that I told a partner of mine about the situation and their response was “why?”.

So, this really started a chain reaction of thoughts that snowballed into this post. My quick response was “depression does that to you”. The long of it is much more.

So, depression is a mental illness. When someone’s body is ruined by any other illness do we ask “why?” after their death? Of course not. We say how brave they were to deal with such an illness. When someone dies by suicide the first thing most say is “wow, that is so selfish” and for quite a while I agreed with this statement. It is selfish. Because you are thinking of no one but yourself. Right? Wrong. 100 different ways wrong. When you are suicidal you are not yourself. You are not thinking of what your normal self would think of the situation. This may not be true of all but I feel the need to point out the fact that when someone has hit this point, when they feel that the pain is too much or the world is better off without them, they are not being selfish. Far fucking from it. They don’t become suicidal or decide to end their life to spite you, any more than a cancer patient does when they go. The illness takes root in their psyche and they are unable to see any other way to cope with the situation.

So asking why is so absolutely offensive. This person did not MEAN it that way, they were ignorant to the ramifications of their question, because from their POV there is a trigger, some reason. Well, sometimes there is no trigger, no “reason” other than the fact that the depression won.

To be completely honest, I am too afraid to kill myself. Even when I get suicidal, I am too afraid of dying, of what’s next. So to me going through with it shows courage. It is not an “easy way out” and anyone who says that is completely heartless. When you are suicidal you are stuck in a black pit of hate, sadness, and despair. It isn’t always about “welp. Fuck this. I’m out. This is too hard” and it most definitely has nothing to do with “well so and so has it much harder”. There are a million different thoughts going through someone’s head, and to try and describe them all is absolutely beyond me as I just worked almost 50 hrs last week and I have school too.

The real point of this is for me to say that I hope someday people are a little more understanding. I hope that when someone says “so and so committed suicide” the first thought is “oh how horrible that they felt that way” then “is there anything I can do to help?” or “is the rest of the family ok?” the same as anyone would if the person had died by any other hand.

The stigma regarding mental illness is so thick, sometimes I feel drowned in it. Others I don’t even notice that it is there.

I just wish people would be more sympathetic and realize that the person did not commit suicide to spite anyone or have an “easy out” that person was in pain and suffering through the entire event, and now they are lost forever. 

How do you deal with loneliness?

Being depressed has it's ups and downs of course, but I think one of my biggest problems is loneliness. If I am left alone for a long length of time I get so exceedingly lonely that it's easy to fall into a pit of loneliness and not be able to get out.
Currently, they increased my dosage to 450mg of Wellbutrin XL, which is working great when my hormones aren't going crazy. Does anyone else have this issue? when I'm PMSing I almost immediately have issues with my depression.
It doesn't help that my husband has been gone basically 4 weeks straight, and I don't really have many friends here. My "friends" are my coworkers and we don't have the same relationship that my best friends and I have. Unfortunately for me, my friends all live too far away for me to visit. Mostly because work and school take up the majority of my time. Lately I've been so busy wallowing in self pity that I haven't even been able to focus on my school work
It's so hard to know that you're being ridiculous. Know that the feelings are basically bullshit and you shouldn't be feeling them. but there they are.
The loneliness is just this intolerable ache. Constantly in the back (or front) of my mind. I can drown it out by talking to friends on the phone, or chatting on messenger etc. but they all have lives too, and they can't deal with me for any real length of time (to be fair..I wouldn't want to deal with my whining either.

So, a couple weeks ago I got into a car accident, totaled my car. That was awesome. fortunately for me we were able to find people who deal with bad credit financing and I now have the nicest car I've ever had. an 08 ford fusion. It's really freaking nice. The accident left me out of commission for a few days, luckily I was on my way home and had 3 days off in a row to recover. A woman slammed on her brakes for a deer and when I hit my brakes my car slid right into hers. 3 weeks of rain and a car with no ABS (which I didn't know at the time)? recipe for disaster. luckily we both only had small injuries. I had whiplash and a bruised sternum, and lots of bruising on my arms from the airbag. There's still a lot of ugly green and purple bruises, but it's better than dead or seriously injured.
Though, I do hate that I got a concussion and since then my brain fog has been pretty bad.

it's funny, for someone who is so social and involved you would not think I would be so lonely. My family is all doing their own thing for Thanksgiving, and when my coworkers were discussing their awesome dinners and asking about mine I really had a moment where I had situational depression trigger depression depression lol. My coworker said "With all the friends and family you have you aren't doing anything?!" and I thought... yeah. My friends are mostly online, in other states or countries even, my family is super dysfunctional (they didn't used to be), and my husband is gone, so I have no reason to do anything. what am I going to do have a dinner by myself? fuck that. I'm making tacos. I'll buy turkeys when they go on sale.

so that's basically it. a bunch of whining about things that really aren't that bad. Usually I am super grateful for everything I have, how far I have come in life, how well I'm doing in school....but today all I can think of is how I am sick of being alone, sick of being sad, and sick and fucking tired of being depressed.