Being depressed has it's ups and downs of course, but I think one of my biggest problems is loneliness. If I am left alone for a long length of time I get so exceedingly lonely that it's easy to fall into a pit of loneliness and not be able to get out.
Currently, they increased my dosage to 450mg of Wellbutrin XL, which is working great when my hormones aren't going crazy. Does anyone else have this issue? when I'm PMSing I almost immediately have issues with my depression.
It doesn't help that my husband has been gone basically 4 weeks straight, and I don't really have many friends here. My "friends" are my coworkers and we don't have the same relationship that my best friends and I have. Unfortunately for me, my friends all live too far away for me to visit. Mostly because work and school take up the majority of my time. Lately I've been so busy wallowing in self pity that I haven't even been able to focus on my school work
It's so hard to know that you're being ridiculous. Know that the feelings are basically bullshit and you shouldn't be feeling them. but there they are.
The loneliness is just this intolerable ache. Constantly in the back (or front) of my mind. I can drown it out by talking to friends on the phone, or chatting on messenger etc. but they all have lives too, and they can't deal with me for any real length of time (to be fair..I wouldn't want to deal with my whining either.
So, a couple weeks ago I got into a car accident, totaled my car. That was awesome. fortunately for me we were able to find people who deal with bad credit financing and I now have the nicest car I've ever had. an 08 ford fusion. It's really freaking nice. The accident left me out of commission for a few days, luckily I was on my way home and had 3 days off in a row to recover. A woman slammed on her brakes for a deer and when I hit my brakes my car slid right into hers. 3 weeks of rain and a car with no ABS (which I didn't know at the time)? recipe for disaster. luckily we both only had small injuries. I had whiplash and a bruised sternum, and lots of bruising on my arms from the airbag. There's still a lot of ugly green and purple bruises, but it's better than dead or seriously injured.
Though, I do hate that I got a concussion and since then my brain fog has been pretty bad.
it's funny, for someone who is so social and involved you would not think I would be so lonely. My family is all doing their own thing for Thanksgiving, and when my coworkers were discussing their awesome dinners and asking about mine I really had a moment where I had situational depression trigger depression depression lol. My coworker said "With all the friends and family you have you aren't doing anything?!" and I thought... yeah. My friends are mostly online, in other states or countries even, my family is super dysfunctional (they didn't used to be), and my husband is gone, so I have no reason to do anything. what am I going to do have a dinner by myself? fuck that. I'm making tacos. I'll buy turkeys when they go on sale.
so that's basically it. a bunch of whining about things that really aren't that bad. Usually I am super grateful for everything I have, how far I have come in life, how well I'm doing in school....but today all I can think of is how I am sick of being alone, sick of being sad, and sick and fucking tired of being depressed.
