the guilt depression leaves

Does anyone else ever have horrible guilt that just eats away at your ability to be normal? Even when I am having a good day I notice that the guilt of the past creeps in. Things I may have said while super insecure, or angry, or Gods forbid BOTH, end up making me feel horrible for days afterwards. I feel out of control and sometimes do not even REMEMBER what was said. I have family members who do not talk to me for things I have said in the past that I have no recollection of.
Currently I was super insecure and it affected my relationship, and oh boy, now I have to explain to new relationship person that I was just super insecure. I mean, he knows I'm batshit crazy, but I don't think he realized what exactly that entailed. This is my batshit crazy. "take it or leave it but mostly take it because I really like you"...yeah that should go over well.

The other issue I have is that I have personal stuff that I have never told anyone. Which I have told this person, so they believe that I am a closed-mouth private person. But when it comes to other stuff that in my head I deem unimportant, for example "hey so and so was over and we did this", they find that to be an issue, because they are private. So now I feel like a HUGE fraud. Like maybe I am some loudmouth who craves attention so much that she will tell everyone everything in the hopes that they will find common ground and suddenly want to be friends.

The feeling of wanting friends stems from my feelings of inadequacy as a person. Because we are constantly told that people are supposed to be successful, have friends, have family, and have all these specific things in order to be deemed "real people". AKA not sit alone by themselves for hours on FB because they have nothing else that they want to do. It isn't even that I don't have things to do, well sometimes it is, but mostly it's just that I don't want to do anything. I want my brain to be on autopilot, liking photos of kittens and babies and interracial relationships and whatever the hell else my FB is full of.

The feeling that I will never be good enough for anyone is seriously hindering my progress as a person. For this reason I overshare, try too hard, am too hard on myself when I fail, and in general I am just extremely insecure. I have tried not being so insecure, and honestly some days it's super easy. If I feel like I look pretty or I feel somewhat successful, everything works out fine. But the minute ONE THING GOES WRONG...my whole day is toast.
This is especially hard in the restaurant industry, but I generally try to push through it and just try harder and basically ignore the issue until it is safe to dwell on it, and oooooh boy do I enjoy dwelling on things. Oh I shouldn't say I enjoy, the shitass depression monster enjoys the fuck out of it; because it makes the real me hurt. It brings so much pain, and that's what that piece of shit lives off of.
How is it that we are our own worst enemies? It really makes me wonder how normal people think. I mean, do they have this voice in their head like "hey you tried your best! it's all okay!"? because my voice in my head is like "wow way to be a fuck up, jesus christ can't you do anything right?"
and I wonder what it must be like to have your own little cheerleader instead of this demon that tries to drag you down 24/7.
When they say that depression is a fight they are not fucking kidding. You are fighting yourself every minute of every day.
For example, right now I keep looking down at my keyboard to type and seeing my belly, and rationally I realize I have a nice belly and I lost 50 lbs recently, so there is no reason to be super crazy about it. Well I look down and see this fat roll and think "wow, lost weight and you're still a fatass. good job at nothing. cow." FTR I went from a size 18 to a 12. So like, rationally I know this is bullshit because hello, size fucking TWELVE yo.
I also keep thinking " your dude is mad at you for oversharing constantly so what do you do? write a blog. good idea. that seems extremely private. idiot"

So yeah, personal cheerleader? come save me from this asshole who lives in my head because omfg asshole is an asshole. srsly.

craziness lately

I feel like I've been in a non-stop whirlwind of stress and craziness lately. I'm getting a divorce, again. This not only fucks with my depression in the sense of "wow great job at failing at marriage again" but also the sense of "fuck, now you have to take care of yourself.

I'll tell ya, I've never lived on my own 100%. I've always lived with friends or spouse/SO's. The idea of being 100% alone is scary as fuck. I am an extrovert. I love having people around. I absolutely hate being alone. Being alone is one of the reasons my marriage failed in the first place. There are many many many reasons, but my depression, being alone, and things just not working out (read:problems with him that I won't post about) are the main issues.
I'm actually starting another relationship and it's making me feel like even more of a failure. Not only do I constantly seem to do the wrong thing. I am just feeling like I can't keep my shit together as much as I want to.
I want this new relationship to work out SO much, but I keep fucking things up, then it fucks with my depression even worse, and it's like a nonstop "hey you're a fuckup" battle.
How do you stop the nonstop fuckups? when does it stop? I feel like there has to be something. I just can't figure it the hell out. this is the shittiest feeling and I just feel hopeless.


This is me on 450mg of Wellbutrin. Situational depression can still affect regular depression no matter how much medication you take. I guess I just need to wait it out and hope for the best. Sometimes it's the waiting that really gets to you.