Suicide

So, a colleague called in yesterday saying he couldn't come to work because there was a death in the family. I found out today that this was via suicide. 

Now, I was completely not triggered by this, because people commit suicide. It is a fact of life. I offered to buy my colleague dinner and told him that if he ever needed anyone to talk to I was here for him. I also made sure to check on him throughout the day and hugged him as many times as I could (we’re cool like that). He’s taking it ok as he wasn’t extremely close to this family member, but he is very worried for his aunt, as it was his cousin who committed suicide and his uncle just passed last year.

I can only imagine how hard it is to lose someone to suicide, as I have only lost people to cancer, lupus, and old age. I feel that I am a pretty empathetic person though and I try to put myself in their position; imagine what they are feeling, and try to help in any way possible. He knows he can call me for anything, and I also told him he may want to look into a therapist for a bit, since I know that death from suicide can take a while to process and is extremely hard on one’s own.

Now the issue I had that really triggered me for the day (it’s funny because until someone points it out I don’t notice) is that I told a partner of mine about the situation and their response was “why?”.

So, this really started a chain reaction of thoughts that snowballed into this post. My quick response was “depression does that to you”. The long of it is much more.

So, depression is a mental illness. When someone’s body is ruined by any other illness do we ask “why?” after their death? Of course not. We say how brave they were to deal with such an illness. When someone dies by suicide the first thing most say is “wow, that is so selfish” and for quite a while I agreed with this statement. It is selfish. Because you are thinking of no one but yourself. Right? Wrong. 100 different ways wrong. When you are suicidal you are not yourself. You are not thinking of what your normal self would think of the situation. This may not be true of all but I feel the need to point out the fact that when someone has hit this point, when they feel that the pain is too much or the world is better off without them, they are not being selfish. Far fucking from it. They don’t become suicidal or decide to end their life to spite you, any more than a cancer patient does when they go. The illness takes root in their psyche and they are unable to see any other way to cope with the situation.

So asking why is so absolutely offensive. This person did not MEAN it that way, they were ignorant to the ramifications of their question, because from their POV there is a trigger, some reason. Well, sometimes there is no trigger, no “reason” other than the fact that the depression won.

To be completely honest, I am too afraid to kill myself. Even when I get suicidal, I am too afraid of dying, of what’s next. So to me going through with it shows courage. It is not an “easy way out” and anyone who says that is completely heartless. When you are suicidal you are stuck in a black pit of hate, sadness, and despair. It isn’t always about “welp. Fuck this. I’m out. This is too hard” and it most definitely has nothing to do with “well so and so has it much harder”. There are a million different thoughts going through someone’s head, and to try and describe them all is absolutely beyond me as I just worked almost 50 hrs last week and I have school too.

The real point of this is for me to say that I hope someday people are a little more understanding. I hope that when someone says “so and so committed suicide” the first thought is “oh how horrible that they felt that way” then “is there anything I can do to help?” or “is the rest of the family ok?” the same as anyone would if the person had died by any other hand.

The stigma regarding mental illness is so thick, sometimes I feel drowned in it. Others I don’t even notice that it is there.

I just wish people would be more sympathetic and realize that the person did not commit suicide to spite anyone or have an “easy out” that person was in pain and suffering through the entire event, and now they are lost forever.