Days; the good and the bad.

Today started off like any other day. Super early (4am, such early, much coffee) and chatting with a dear friend. Everything was normal; usually these days end up being amazing days; mostly because said friend is amazing and brightens my mood. I drove to work and talked to my heterosexual girlfriend/lifemate Heather. Whenever I talk to Heather the conversation is almost always shrieks and belly laughs. She is one of my favorite people in this world. (there are quite a few, but she is in the top 3 easy). I don't think we have ever had a conversation that didn't involve ridiculous amounts of laughter and life mixed in.

then...

out of nowhere...

I was suddenly sad.


Not the "fuck everything I hate my life, I hate myself" uber depressed sad that I used to get (yay medication) but just sad. Melancholy. For no reason. Work went well; the guys and I joked around as usual. I work in a kitchen so we'll just say there is a lot of grab-ass and perverted jokes most days. When the sadness hit, I suddenly didn't want to joke around anymore. I put my headphone in and did my job until we opened. When we open I have to take my headphone out. (singular because I have to be able to hear out of one ear. kitchens can be dangerous!)

The depressed feelings tried to sneak in. I heard that ugly voice in my head again. Lucky for me I was able to recognize it. It's honestly just like hearing a separate voice in your head, for me at least. My author friends can probably understand this one! I can't remember exactly what it said but I physically said out loud "You Shut the Fuck UP, No One Asked for Your Opinion" it tried to keep talking but I drowned it out. This was an entirely new experience. I have never been able to treat the voice of depression as a separate entity. I was always beating myself up when I fought back, hurting myself and just making it worse. I'm actually able to treat this parasite as what it is.

There is a war in the head of mentally ill people every second of every day, even when treated. Some days it's easy to just let everything go and be "normal" (which is just a setting on a washing machine, really) but others it is a day of constantly thinking every single little thing over. On bad days I have to tell myself "oh no, don't send that text" "that message could be rude" "they're going to think you're too needy" "don't be creepy" "too much too soon" "too little too late" "you're being emotional" etc etc. This is for EVERYTHING I do. I can't just BE, and you know what?

THAT'S OKAY!

It shows a control over the illness. Medication has helped me control the extreme forms of depression. The thoughts I cannot stop, the horrible horrible self hatred and loathing....and the explosive anger. Controlling the anger has been amazing. When I would get angry I would just blow my top. There was so much anger in me I thought I was going to explode. So, having the medication help control this, man it is wonderful.

I guess the gist of this post was supposed to be that even with medication you will still have bad days. There is no magic happy pill that will control things all the time. Even with the medication and therapy you will still have to try to maintain control. Some days are easier than others. This is also where a good support system comes into play. Before I would say "I don't have a support system. Just a bunch of people who feel sorry for me, people I'm there for but who won't bother being there when I need them" etc, That is a lie though. I have many friends who are there for me. Maybe not RIGHT THIS SECOND, because they have lives too; work, kids, spouses. But they are there for me when I need it.

Another thing I have learned recently is to OPEN YOUR FUCKING MOUTH. No one can read your mind. If you say "I'm sad." or "I'm having a bad day" the most you will get is "oh, sorry," or "well, I hope it gets better" from most people. If you need a hug, fucking ASK. People cannot know what you need if you never tell them. If you need someone you love to tell you it's going to be OK then TELL THEM. If they really love and care for you they will tell you what you need. If they're really amazing they'll say even more; but hey, you gotta start somewhere. People will never know what is going on in your head if you never tell them. OPEN. YOUR. MOUTH. This is part of loving yourself. You ARE worth their time, you ARE worthy of praise and affection. Take care of yourself and allow people to take care of you as well. You don't always have to do it alone!

I literally texted my dear friend and said "I really just need you to tell me everything is going to be okay. I don't know why I am sad today but I just really need to hear that everything is going to work out." Guess what happened? They told me exactly that! "Everything is okay." followed by a bunch of emoticons one right after the other. Not a random string of hitting a button, separate emoticons showing that there was actual thought put into it, that there would be multiple messages that would come in. How ridiculous must this day be that I am analyzing emoticons? LOL. SOME DAYS IT BE LIKE THAT YO!

So, in closing, there are always going to be good and bad days. Yes the bad days are much worse than the bad days a person without a mental illness will have, but hey, it's part of our lives. Just like any illness we have to realize that we work with what we have.

If anyone needs support at any time feel free to comment on any of my blogs with an email address and I will be there for you; if you're a good friend you should already know that any day, any time, anything, I am here for you.