My story

My story

So I said that I would tell my story.
And here I go



My childhood was horrid. It could have been worse but there were many things about it that probably contributed to my issues. I'd like to think that my depression does not have much to do with it, but many people believe that it is a part of it. So now that that bit is out of the way....


I was diagnosed with depression as a child, maybe 10 or 11 years old. Maybe younger, I honestly don't remember. I was made fun of a lot in school for being the "fat kid" so I had depression AND self esteem issues. (Which I can finally say that I am over. I am happy with my body and love myself) When I was about 12 I started getting into "alternative" paths. at 14 I was "goth" and definitely that stereotypical goth kid. Listened to insane screaming music. Poured my pain into the words I screamed in my room. I started cutting; because it allowed me to have the pain that was on the inside be on the outside. I personally feel that if my mother had gotten me on medication then I would be living a VERY different life. That said, I would not be the amazing person I am. So unfortunately I needed to feel that pain and be that person. Anyway, At 15 I took an entire bottle of Tylenol. I just didn't want to feel these horrible feelings anymore. What was the point of being alive if life was only pain and suffering? I was so freaked out that I started hyperventilating and threw up. If I had not thrown up those pills I would not be here writing this. The Gods were smiling on me that day. Someone took pity on me. I still had life to live.
After that I completed High School, was on my own at 17 and without the help of friends and their parents (Looking at Sherry and Ray Bushman, and even Phyl Alexander) I don't know what would have happened. I knew how to "handle" my depression at this point. I was miserable and hated myself, but I knew how to try and make life work. I got married (too young) and divorced. I got remarried years later and then my depression took a HUGE turn for the worse. I was in a new town with no friends and hated my job. The new town was small and had NO opportunities for me. My husband was gone 6 days a week (or just never came back) working. My depression started to consume me. I couldn't think of anything else. I went out and hiked, worked out at the gym, started restricting my diet, (the Handfasting was coming up and I couldn't be a fat blob) and just generally being miserable. Everyone thought I was just overwhelmed with Handfasting plans and working out to look good in my dress. Really I was punishing myself. The intake guy at the mental health place recently actually said "oh you were working out 2 to 4 hours a day? you must have felt amazing!" no dude, my depression was the worst it had been since High School. Working out and eating healthy do NOT work if you have an extreme case of depression.
anyway, on our honeymoon I found out some pretty horrible and trust-breaking information. This made the depression spiral even worse. Right about the time I started really feeling like inflicting self harm Robin Williams committed suicide....anyone who has had depression and tried or understands being suicidal will realize how horrible you feel at that point. The fact that someone who was so much of my childhood felt that way at the time of his death broke my fucking heart. I realized that this is not a joke. I cannot ignore this anymore. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. SO EASILY. I was just ONE bad day away from that. When you realize how close you got, without even knowing, to becoming suicidal something snaps inside you. You wake up and think "my god, how did it get this bad?"
Well, it got that bad because depression is a silent killer, it is a tumor feeding on your energy, your brain. Another way I have described it is having a snake coiled around your arm and up your neck, constantly whispering everything bad in your ear. You cannot make it stop.
As much as I didn't want to get medication, or even deal with those people at the mental health clinic, I knew something had to be done. I pulled my ass up off the couch, forced myself to go in. Took their pills, nothing happened. Took more of their pills, started to feel OK but still horrid. I was on 40mg of Celexa and it was great, but I felt tired from being happy all the time. I started having the sexual side effects. *TMI ALERT* I couldn't feel my vagina. Sex was lame. I just didn't care. So I told my dr that I needed to try something else. She said Lexipro should be the same thing but without the side effects. So I tried that. after a week and a half I heard voices. It started with people outside the window talking, (there was no one) then one day I was in the bathroom and heard a man's voice YELL at me. I stopped taking them and switched back to the Celexa (After talking to my dr) after the sexual side effects still being there, she decided that we needed to try something else. She put me on Wellbutrin XL ....but didn't tell me that I was supposed to wean off the Celexa. I didn't have any Celexa left in the first place. So my week between the meds working was the worst depressive episode in my life. This is the shit you have to deal with. That said it is SO worth it.
Right now I am on 300mg of Wellbutrin XL, and am going to ask for the next higher dose just because I can still feel depression creeping in every so often.

I am a generally happy person and I will say that my depression has made me much more compassionate towards others. Especially those with mental health issues. This is no joke and is not something to take lightly. Now I am becoming the person I want to be. I have learned to love myself and am hoping that this last lingering bit of depression decides to kick the bucket when I get a dosage increase. I realize that there will still be bad days, but I need them to be a little bit less.

This is my story (summed up ) (Inigo?) I think that more of us need to share our stories and get the word out that WE WALK AMONG YOU.

Be compassion, be love, help others.