depression

Lately I have been thinking a lot about Depression. I think I need to share some thoughts and my story.

There is a Ted Talk by Andrew Solomon (http://www.ted.com/talks/andrew_solomon_depression_the_secret_we_share?language=en) that has been making the rounds again. It originally was a part of a 7 video mental health playlist by TedX. I really like the way that Andrew Solomon articulates his views. He is extremely intellectual and can put words to things in ways that I never could. At one point he says "one of the things that often gets lost in discussions of depression is that you know it's ridiculous. You know it's ridiculous while you're experiencing it. You know that most people manage to listen to their messages and eat lunch and organize themselves to take a shower and go out the front door and that it's not a big deal, and yet you are nonetheless in its grip and you are unable to figure out any way around it. "
When depression takes hold, you KNOW it is making you act out, you KNOW it is absolutely ridiculous, and you KNOW that you are being fucking stupid. If anything that knowledge makes it worse. It perpetuates that thought of "WHY CAN'T I JUST BE FUCKING NORMAL?" which sets off a whole new round of depression. 
This is not a question of "changing your thinking" you CANNOT. If you have used positive thinking to cure your "depression" you either had a very light case of it, or have confused being sad with depression. Those of us that deal with extreme cases of depression have a bit of a different view on it (I am not trying to be offensive, but don't you dare tell me that I can change my depression through positive thinking, or diet and exercise, unless you want me to come at you like an angry gorilla k?) 
The way I describe my depression is like a tumor, a leech, it has it's claws in your brain and there is NOTHING you can do. It feeds into every little insecurity and fear you have ever had. Think you're fat? it will tell you that you are fat and worthless, that no one can ever REALLY love someone as hideous as you. There is no telling it to shut up. Eventually you start believing it. It will tell you what a failure you are; where are you in life? oh you have a degree? it's a bullshit degree anyway, where has it gotten you? oh a job and a ton of student debt? and you still can't do ANYTHING right. This is running through your head TWENTY FOUR SEVEN. You start believing it, because you start thinking that you are seeing things right. It talks you into believing that your eyes are finally open, and before you were just a naive idiot. which keeps you in it's grip. 
Recently I have had the issue of being able to believe that people are not hiding things from me. This is one of the worst ones, because you think that people are lying 24/7. Didn't text me back but you were online on messenger? didn't call but said you would? says you read my message 3 hours ago but no response? My initial response is "they must be talking to someone more important, why would you think that you are a priority? How COULD you be a priority to this person?" Luckily I am on medication (which obviously needs an increase in dosage) and can usually keep myself from messaging said people with "why the fuck are you ignoring me? I don't know why I ever believed I could be someone to you!" and other horrid hateful shit. One thing they don't tell you about depression is it can make you SOOOO HATEFUL. You will say things that you KNOW will hurt people and you just don't care, because you are so caught up in your own feelings that all you care about is how you feel; and honestly? you can't stop the word vomit because it is a release. Without it you feel that you will explode, from the inside out, just explode and never be again. You are just SO ANGRY, SO HATEFUL, SO EXPLOSIVE. Luckily I found a medication that works for me (after MUCH trial and error and near self mutilation) If you are dealing with depression I will say that medication helps. The rollercoaster of finding meds that work is HORRIBLE, but after finding one that works, you will feel nearly normal. You can be happy. Things will make you happy and you can work on positive thinking. You can work on not always seeing the negative. That FREEDOM? IS SO SWEET. 
This is getting to be a super long post so I'll end it here, and continue in a second post. 

Amanda