sick, tired, stressed, and expectations.

I swear, ever since I got on birth control my hormones have turned my depression into some crazy beast. It seems like PMS is not only PMS but OMG FREAAAK OOOUUUTTT. I am so over it. The other day I actually had the thought "no one would even notice if I disappeared" and to be honest no one really would. People would assume I was busy and it would take AT LEAST a week for anyone to notice.
My bf said he would notice, and he might, but part of me wonders if he really would notice, or if it would take a couple days.
Part of this is probably the depression speaking; because generally he's the most amazing bf ever. But I just have to wonder if he would even notice.
I feel like no one would notice. Work would only notice after 3-4 days, and even then I think they'd assume I just quit. I don't think they'd actually check on me.



Ok I just had a moment of clarity lol. My BF works with me. If anything they'd bug the shit out of him until he checked on me. But that's the issue with depression. It doesn't give two fucks about the truth and instead will feed you poisonous thoughts that consume your soul.



I'm really sick of this though. I want to be happy again without this soul-sucking leech attached. Honestly between the divorce, moving, starting a new relationship, and stressing like a motherfucker about bills I'm surprised I haven't lit myself on fire while screaming.

Life is fucking hard, and anyone who says it isn't is a fucking liar.

and stress is the fucking devil.

and I'm damn sick of stressing about money. I'm sick of stressing about school, and I'm sick of stressing about work. I really just wish things could be easy for once. just ONCE in my life I'd like things to go the way I plan..or at least not be so goddamn hard.

I did read an article recently that said expectations kill relationships...and I was thinking expectations actually ruin quite a few things. The reality is rarely what we expect, and yes we can roll with the punches, but that doesn't make things any easier to handle. There is still that disappointment and the feeling of doubt when things don't go according to plan.

Maybe I just plan too much. I prefer to think of potential outcomes and hope for the best. Maybe that's my problem; I hope for the best, so I'm constantly disappointed. On the other side of the coin...if I constantly planned for the worst I would be in a constant state of negativity and stress.

One of my friends said I should look into therapy and I think maybe I will, but the problem for me is finding the time. I barely have time for anything. Especially when I have busy weeks at work. Hell the other week I worked 56 hrs. When I do work a "short" (read:NORMAL) week; all I want to do is relax and get caught up on sleep/cleaning/laundry/etc. Mainly sleep. last week I slept 14 hrs on my day off. I've also had a nonstop cold/flu grossness for months. It seems like it goes away for a day or so and then comes right back.

I guess I'm just a mess...well..back to homework since it's already a day late and I'm just procrastinating now anyway

feeling like a failure

So, I'm sure a lot of this is from hormones. I've been a bit of a mess lately, but man, I am feeling like such a failure. I think I need to take a social media break but I hate being "alone" and find it hard to not be on social media. Lately I've been looking at all the things everyone else has and been jealous.. insanely jealous..and it manifests in this feeling of failure. As if they have done more or lived more than I have.
I get upset that everyone else has families, great jobs, etc etc and I'm sitting here working at a job I dislike, with 2 failed marriages under my belt. Some days it is so hard to not feel like a complete worthless failure. The best part is that I KNOW that I am not a failure. Most people who have been through the shit I have do not turn out like I did. They become addicts, commit suicide, make bad decisions, etc. I'm not a statistic of the life I was raised in.
I get overwhelmed with work, school, and life. The stress from bills and my hours fluctuating has me breaking out in pimples and hives. I stress about what I'm going to do next, where my life is even headed, if I'm good enough for the people around me...I mean hell brain, stfu for 5 minutes and I might be happy!
this feeling of failure will go away. it always does. but lately it's been lingering around longer than I would like. bleh. just bleh. now I'm off to procrastinate on hw and take a nap. hopefully.

The Anger....and Why I Never Want to Be Depressed Again.

So, my thoughts on who medication makes me will always be positive. I feel that the antidepressants allow me to be myself. The person I want to be. Not the person who is constantly hating life, having high highs and low lows, and the person who is angry. all. the. fucking. time.
When I am off my meds I hate life. I hate everyone, and mostly I hate myself. My head will constantly tell me how horrible I am, how much of a failure I am, how unworthy I am of anything and everything. Not only this; I get angry about everything. I blow up and yell and scream. I throw things. I get mad about every little thing.
The "real" me is not always fun to be around. Obviously I had coping mechanisms and was okay to be around most of the time; but I have hurt those who love me. I have been hurt due to the way I was acting and how the person reacted. It just is not fun. It isn't romantic. I am not some "real" person off my meds. I am a "real" person ON my meds. When I was depressed (and even now when I have episodes), I wished I could just be normal. I just wanted to not be so fucking miserable. being miserable 24/7 isn't fair to you or to the people around you.

To be honest, now that I have been on meds that work (after the rollercoaster of trying different meds), I can look at how I previously acted and realize that I deserve better than that. I don't deserve to deal with that amount of anxiety, self hate, and overall anger and sadness.
I take medication for me.
It may help those around me, and I realize that they play a part, but the main reason is for myself.
After a suicide attempt and lots of self harm, I think I need to treat myself a little bit better.

right now I'm going through a lot of changes and life transitions, and I find the depression creeping back. Some days are worse than others, but at the end of the day I would never ever ever want to be the "real" me. Which is a horrible version of me. It isn't the real me, it's a bastardized version of me that honestly is all the dark things in my body. There has to be a balance of light and dark, when dark takes over too much something has to be done to attempt to even things out.