I swear, ever since I got on birth control my hormones have turned my depression into some crazy beast. It seems like PMS is not only PMS but OMG FREAAAK OOOUUUTTT. I am so over it. The other day I actually had the thought "no one would even notice if I disappeared" and to be honest no one really would. People would assume I was busy and it would take AT LEAST a week for anyone to notice.
My bf said he would notice, and he might, but part of me wonders if he really would notice, or if it would take a couple days.
Part of this is probably the depression speaking; because generally he's the most amazing bf ever. But I just have to wonder if he would even notice.
I feel like no one would notice. Work would only notice after 3-4 days, and even then I think they'd assume I just quit. I don't think they'd actually check on me.
Ok I just had a moment of clarity lol. My BF works with me. If anything they'd bug the shit out of him until he checked on me. But that's the issue with depression. It doesn't give two fucks about the truth and instead will feed you poisonous thoughts that consume your soul.
I'm really sick of this though. I want to be happy again without this soul-sucking leech attached. Honestly between the divorce, moving, starting a new relationship, and stressing like a motherfucker about bills I'm surprised I haven't lit myself on fire while screaming.
Life is fucking hard, and anyone who says it isn't is a fucking liar.
and stress is the fucking devil.
and I'm damn sick of stressing about money. I'm sick of stressing about school, and I'm sick of stressing about work. I really just wish things could be easy for once. just ONCE in my life I'd like things to go the way I plan..or at least not be so goddamn hard.
I did read an article recently that said expectations kill relationships...and I was thinking expectations actually ruin quite a few things. The reality is rarely what we expect, and yes we can roll with the punches, but that doesn't make things any easier to handle. There is still that disappointment and the feeling of doubt when things don't go according to plan.
Maybe I just plan too much. I prefer to think of potential outcomes and hope for the best. Maybe that's my problem; I hope for the best, so I'm constantly disappointed. On the other side of the coin...if I constantly planned for the worst I would be in a constant state of negativity and stress.
One of my friends said I should look into therapy and I think maybe I will, but the problem for me is finding the time. I barely have time for anything. Especially when I have busy weeks at work. Hell the other week I worked 56 hrs. When I do work a "short" (read:NORMAL) week; all I want to do is relax and get caught up on sleep/cleaning/laundry/etc. Mainly sleep. last week I slept 14 hrs on my day off. I've also had a nonstop cold/flu grossness for months. It seems like it goes away for a day or so and then comes right back.
I guess I'm just a mess...well..back to homework since it's already a day late and I'm just procrastinating now anyway
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