So, my thoughts on who medication makes me will always be positive. I feel that the antidepressants allow me to be myself. The person I want to be. Not the person who is constantly hating life, having high highs and low lows, and the person who is angry. all. the. fucking. time.
When I am off my meds I hate life. I hate everyone, and mostly I hate myself. My head will constantly tell me how horrible I am, how much of a failure I am, how unworthy I am of anything and everything. Not only this; I get angry about everything. I blow up and yell and scream. I throw things. I get mad about every little thing.
The "real" me is not always fun to be around. Obviously I had coping mechanisms and was okay to be around most of the time; but I have hurt those who love me. I have been hurt due to the way I was acting and how the person reacted. It just is not fun. It isn't romantic. I am not some "real" person off my meds. I am a "real" person ON my meds. When I was depressed (and even now when I have episodes), I wished I could just be normal. I just wanted to not be so fucking miserable. being miserable 24/7 isn't fair to you or to the people around you.
To be honest, now that I have been on meds that work (after the rollercoaster of trying different meds), I can look at how I previously acted and realize that I deserve better than that. I don't deserve to deal with that amount of anxiety, self hate, and overall anger and sadness.
I take medication for me.
It may help those around me, and I realize that they play a part, but the main reason is for myself.
After a suicide attempt and lots of self harm, I think I need to treat myself a little bit better.
right now I'm going through a lot of changes and life transitions, and I find the depression creeping back. Some days are worse than others, but at the end of the day I would never ever ever want to be the "real" me. Which is a horrible version of me. It isn't the real me, it's a bastardized version of me that honestly is all the dark things in my body. There has to be a balance of light and dark, when dark takes over too much something has to be done to attempt to even things out.
No comments:
Post a Comment