Tuesday, December 15, 2015

Suicide

So, a colleague called in yesterday saying he couldn't come to work because there was a death in the family. I found out today that this was via suicide. 
Now, I was completely not triggered by this, because people commit suicide. It is a fact of life. I offered to buy my colleague dinner and told him that if he ever needed anyone to talk to I was here for him. I also made sure to check on him throughout the day and hugged him as many times as I could (we’re cool like that). He’s taking it ok as he wasn’t extremely close to this family member, but he is very worried for his aunt, as it was his cousin who committed suicide and his uncle just passed last year.
I can only imagine how hard it is to lose someone to suicide, as I have only lost people to cancer, lupus, and old age. I feel that I am a pretty empathetic person though and I try to put myself in their position; imagine what they are feeling, and try to help in any way possible. He knows he can call me for anything, and I also told him he may want to look into a therapist for a bit, since I know that death from suicide can take a while to process and is extremely hard on one’s own.
Now the issue I had that really triggered me for the day (it’s funny because until someone points it out I don’t notice) is that I told a partner of mine about the situation and their response was “why?”.
So, this really started a chain reaction of thoughts that snowballed into this post. My quick response was “depression does that to you”. The long of it is much more.

So, depression is a mental illness. When someone’s body is ruined by any other illness do we ask “why?” after their death? Of course not. We say how brave they were to deal with such an illness. When someone dies by suicide the first thing most say is “wow, that is so selfish” and for quite a while I agreed with this statement. It is selfish. Because you are thinking of no one but yourself. Right? Wrong. 100 different ways wrong. When you are suicidal you are not yourself. You are not thinking of what your normal self would think of the situation. This may not be true of all but I feel the need to point out the fact that when someone has hit this point, when they feel that the pain is too much or the world is better off without them, they are not being selfish. Far fucking from it. They don’t become suicidal or decide to end their life to spite you, any more than a cancer patient does when they go. The illness takes root in their psyche and they are unable to see any other way to cope with the situation.
So asking why is so absolutely offensive. This person did not MEAN it that way, they were ignorant to the ramifications of their question, because from their POV there is a trigger, some reason. Well, sometimes there is no trigger, no “reason” other than the fact that the depression won.
To be completely honest, I am too afraid to kill myself. Even when I get suicidal, I am too afraid of dying, of what’s next. So to me going through with it shows courage. It is not an “easy way out” and anyone who says that is completely heartless. When you are suicidal you are stuck in a black pit of hate, sadness, and despair. It isn’t always about “welp. Fuck this. I’m out. This is too hard” and it most definitely has nothing to do with “well so and so has it much harder”. There are a million different thoughts going through someone’s head, and to try and describe them all is absolutely beyond me as I just worked almost 50 hrs last week and I have school too.
The real point of this is for me to say that I hope someday people are a little more understanding. I hope that when someone says “so and so committed suicide” the first thought is “oh how horrible that they felt that way” then “is there anything I can do to help?” or “is the rest of the family ok?” the same as anyone would if the person had died by any other hand.
The stigma regarding mental illness is so thick, sometimes I feel drowned in it. Others I don’t even notice that it is there.

I just wish people would be more sympathetic and realize that the person did not commit suicide to spite anyone or have an “easy out” that person was in pain and suffering through the entire event, and now they are lost forever. 

Thursday, November 26, 2015

How do you deal with loneliness?

Being depressed has it's ups and downs of course, but I think one of my biggest problems is loneliness. If I am left alone for a long length of time I get so exceedingly lonely that it's easy to fall into a pit of loneliness and not be able to get out.
Currently, they increased my dosage to 450mg of Wellbutrin XL, which is working great when my hormones aren't going crazy. Does anyone else have this issue? when I'm PMSing I almost immediately have issues with my depression.
It doesn't help that my husband has been gone basically 4 weeks straight, and I don't really have many friends here. My "friends" are my coworkers and we don't have the same relationship that my best friends and I have. Unfortunately for me, my friends all live too far away for me to visit. Mostly because work and school take up the majority of my time. Lately I've been so busy wallowing in self pity that I haven't even been able to focus on my school work
It's so hard to know that you're being ridiculous. Know that the feelings are basically bullshit and you shouldn't be feeling them. but there they are.
The loneliness is just this intolerable ache. Constantly in the back (or front) of my mind. I can drown it out by talking to friends on the phone, or chatting on messenger etc. but they all have lives too, and they can't deal with me for any real length of time (to be fair..I wouldn't want to deal with my whining either.

So, a couple weeks ago I got into a car accident, totaled my car. That was awesome. fortunately for me we were able to find people who deal with bad credit financing and I now have the nicest car I've ever had. an 08 ford fusion. It's really freaking nice. The accident left me out of commission for a few days, luckily I was on my way home and had 3 days off in a row to recover. A woman slammed on her brakes for a deer and when I hit my brakes my car slid right into hers. 3 weeks of rain and a car with no ABS (which I didn't know at the time)? recipe for disaster. luckily we both only had small injuries. I had whiplash and a bruised sternum, and lots of bruising on my arms from the airbag. There's still a lot of ugly green and purple bruises, but it's better than dead or seriously injured.
Though, I do hate that I got a concussion and since then my brain fog has been pretty bad.

it's funny, for someone who is so social and involved you would not think I would be so lonely. My family is all doing their own thing for Thanksgiving, and when my coworkers were discussing their awesome dinners and asking about mine I really had a moment where I had situational depression trigger depression depression lol. My coworker said "With all the friends and family you have you aren't doing anything?!" and I thought... yeah. My friends are mostly online, in other states or countries even, my family is super dysfunctional (they didn't used to be), and my husband is gone, so I have no reason to do anything. what am I going to do have a dinner by myself? fuck that. I'm making tacos. I'll buy turkeys when they go on sale.

so that's basically it. a bunch of whining about things that really aren't that bad. Usually I am super grateful for everything I have, how far I have come in life, how well I'm doing in school....but today all I can think of is how I am sick of being alone, sick of being sad, and sick and fucking tired of being depressed.

Monday, July 13, 2015

Body Image and Being a Woman

So, today I had a really weird moment. A friend was complaining about herself and how she was "fat" (she totally isn't but even if she was, fat is subjective and honestly not something for me to say anyone is or isn't..and I don't view people that way anymore.)

anyway

she paused for a bit and I felt that girlish need to start complaining about myself. Because that's what we're taught to do, one girl says "omg I'm so fat" and another says "omg whatever I'm fatter, look at these thighs" etc. This is a real thing. Not just in the movies. People do this. We not only do this, we are TAUGHT that this is how to respond. That when one person puts themselves down, we are to respond by putting ourselves down. So we can be miserable together. Or make them feel better, because we are obviously the lesser person.

When did this become acceptable behavior? Why are we not teaching our children to build each other up? There is always this "ideal" to achieve in our society and it rarely has to do with education or mental state; it's about our LOOKS. The one thing that we honestly can't control too much. Obviously I could lose or gain weight, but what about other things? Our noses? the shape of our ears? We all complain about things that cannot be changed and spend so much time hating ourselves that we forget to love ourselves. If we can't love ourselves how can we expect to believe that anyone else does?

That said; I struggle daily with loving myself in spite of my depression. It is extremely hard to love yourself when you're complaining about something to someone, or just overall acting "crazy". mine looks a lot like this:

*hey how are you doing? you didn't text me goodnight..and it says you saw my texts..I know you said you were busy but I don't understand why you can't find at least a minute to send a quick text* (this is the tame version haha)

*seen 2:00*

*no response*

in my head: omg what if he's talking to someone else? does he not love me anymore? had he finally decided I'm just too clingy? it says seen, and online, so he's ignoring me. I'm worthless


now. From this there are many hours of obsessing until there is finally a response. obsessive behavior is the bane of my existence. I check my messages from them every 5 minutes when I am being obsessive. I realize it is not healthy and I work on it. I'm just a clingy person, and obviously they understand that!

How can you love yourself when you are acting like this? How can you say "well, this is part of who I am. I am working on it..but even at that I am failing"

I am finding that it is extremely difficult, but what choice is there? If I hate myself for this behavior it solves nothing. All you can do is work on it. Loving yourself through these times is HARD. it is SO HARD. probably one of the hardest things I've ever attempted to do, but I would rather try and fix my issues and love myself through it, than sit around hating myself and doing nothing to change it.

This is what we need to teach our children, our friends, our spouses, our families. That you can always work on improving yourself from the inside out. Our brains are wonderful things and improving them is much better than obsessing over something so trivial as our big nose, or eye color, or the way our hair sticks up. We need to work on education, being a good person, loving who we are even through the rough times.

It's really no wonder that our society is the way it is about mental illness. Those of us with it are taught that we are damaged. As if we didn't already feel bad enough about who we are. Society tells us we are ruined. Not only our bodies, but our minds as well. How can anyone come back from that? Not only do we get the girly "omgerd I must hate myself because that's what we do" we get the "hey you hate yourself? THAT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE FUCKED UP"

just

sigh...

I wish I could write more, and maybe better haha, but this is what I've got. I've been working a TON lately so my brain is pretty mushed. I just figured I should get some of these thoughts out.

Love yourselves, and love each other, while you still can

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

Random things today

A few random things today.

Well, I was going through my youtube subscriptions and came across a video Melanie Murphy did about her depression and how she deals with it. From there there was a short that looked interesting called "Short Film:Fireflies (a short film about depression). I'm not going to link it here and there is a major suicide trigger warning, but if you're interested give it a google.
I watched about 3 minutes of the video and I had had enough. It's a great video, don't get me wrong, but reliving the emotions about the time when I was suicidal is hard, and seeing someone else go through it...even acting...is hard to handle.
It starts by showing a father knocking on his daughters apartment door, and when she doesn't answer multiple times he finds a spare key and lets himself in, then it fades to her suicide note video. This is where it gets hard. Hearing the things that the woman went through, and knowing how real this all is. How raw and how hurtful. It just makes it hard to even hear. People without depression NEED to hear it. NEED to know how bad this issue really is. NEED to know that this isn't something that we can control and it is very real. No matter who you are or where you come from.
Luckily for myself, I'm on a medication that works about 90% of the time. I have my bad days, I have insecurities, but with the medication I can actually work on those issues as if I am a person without a mental illness. Some days I can't, but on good days I can. Things do get better and by doing what needs to be done we can work on bettering ourselves. I got lucky in that I have a wonderful support system in place. I didn't always, but now I do.

I feel like I am saying some of the same stuff over and over. Sorry if I end up repeating previous blogs.

Anyway back to the video; does anyone else have that issue? Where reading or seeing things about it just brings back that rush of feelings and threatens to overwhelm you? I was able to stop it as soon as I could feel that wave coming, but the fact that it was there so openly is a little troubling. Sometimes I wonder if I have just buried these issues and not dealt with them.
I think that is a bit ridiculous to assume though. At some point you have to just let go of the issues, There is no point in resurrecting the past, rehashing it over, and over, and over. If that happens enough I don't think it would help, if anything it would hinder the healing process.
Speaking of the healing process... I had a very amazing break-though this week. (can you tell I keep leaving and coming back to this blog post. SQUIRREL!)
So I've always been kind of a negative Nancy, Always assuming the worst, ignoring the good and focusing on the bad. We all do it, nothing wrong with it, until it takes over your entire way of thinking. One of my very close friends, one whose opinion honestly means more to me than almost anyone, told me that my internal filters, or my way of supposing bad things to be more true than good things, blind out the good things that are said. 6 months ago this would have flung me into a depression. This would have made me hate myself to a ridiculous level. I would beat myself up internally. "why are you so negative, fuck, you can't do anything right, see you're just that negative person you've always been. even he thinks you're a fucking failure" and the self hate would just get worse and worse until I exploded. It would be horrid and honestly probably threaten my relationship with my best friend. though, I think I would have told him about it being an issue and worked through it... either way...
Luckily for me, I am working on myself. I have improved my self image to a point that is actually pretty scary. I looked in the mirror the other day and thought "hot damn I look good" I cannot tell you any time in my life that I have ever done that. I've forced myself to point out good things, but something good has never just popped into my head like that. So, since I've been working on myself and trying to make myself into the person I want to be; I took this for exactly what my friend meant (he did explain more later, but I know what he meant anyway). He wants to see me whole, not always assuming the worst, not always getting upset about things before knowing the situation. Just all these things that are comfortable to me, these behaviors that I fall back on because they are known behaviors. It reminds me of Anita Blake, how her first reaction is always anger, because anger is familiar, it's a home inside her mind.
Part of changing myself was getting on medication. Amanda off of medication is horrible. I mean the depression is just so so so bad, it overtakes and overshadows everything. It is NOT who I really am. On medication, I feel like I am so much closer to the person I have always been inside. The fact that the depression is mostly held back means that I can work on issues like being negative. I can focus on other things.  instead of having these feelings come up unbidden, I can say "no. fuck this. Why are you even upset? stop this,"
I have found that when attempting to change your way of thinking it actually helps to speak to yourself out loud. it reinforces what is being said to that part of your brain. Weird trick, but it works.

Anyway this post is getting long and rambly. hope everyone is having a good day!







Friday, May 29, 2015

Days; the good and the bad.

Today started off like any other day. Super early (4am, such early, much coffee) and chatting with a dear friend. Everything was normal; usually these days end up being amazing days; mostly because said friend is amazing and brightens my mood. I drove to work and talked to my heterosexual girlfriend/lifemate Heather. Whenever I talk to Heather the conversation is almost always shrieks and belly laughs. She is one of my favorite people in this world. (there are quite a few, but she is in the top 3 easy). I don't think we have ever had a conversation that didn't involve ridiculous amounts of laughter and life mixed in.

then...

out of nowhere...

I was suddenly sad.


Not the "fuck everything I hate my life, I hate myself" uber depressed sad that I used to get (yay medication) but just sad. Melancholy. For no reason. Work went well; the guys and I joked around as usual. I work in a kitchen so we'll just say there is a lot of grab-ass and perverted jokes most days. When the sadness hit, I suddenly didn't want to joke around anymore. I put my headphone in and did my job until we opened. When we open I have to take my headphone out. (singular because I have to be able to hear out of one ear. kitchens can be dangerous!)

The depressed feelings tried to sneak in. I heard that ugly voice in my head again. Lucky for me I was able to recognize it. It's honestly just like hearing a separate voice in your head, for me at least. My author friends can probably understand this one! I can't remember exactly what it said but I physically said out loud "You Shut the Fuck UP, No One Asked for Your Opinion" it tried to keep talking but I drowned it out. This was an entirely new experience. I have never been able to treat the voice of depression as a separate entity. I was always beating myself up when I fought back, hurting myself and just making it worse. I'm actually able to treat this parasite as what it is.

There is a war in the head of mentally ill people every second of every day, even when treated. Some days it's easy to just let everything go and be "normal" (which is just a setting on a washing machine, really) but others it is a day of constantly thinking every single little thing over. On bad days I have to tell myself "oh no, don't send that text" "that message could be rude" "they're going to think you're too needy" "don't be creepy" "too much too soon" "too little too late" "you're being emotional" etc etc. This is for EVERYTHING I do. I can't just BE, and you know what?

THAT'S OKAY!

It shows a control over the illness. Medication has helped me control the extreme forms of depression. The thoughts I cannot stop, the horrible horrible self hatred and loathing....and the explosive anger. Controlling the anger has been amazing. When I would get angry I would just blow my top. There was so much anger in me I thought I was going to explode. So, having the medication help control this, man it is wonderful.

I guess the gist of this post was supposed to be that even with medication you will still have bad days. There is no magic happy pill that will control things all the time. Even with the medication and therapy you will still have to try to maintain control. Some days are easier than others. This is also where a good support system comes into play. Before I would say "I don't have a support system. Just a bunch of people who feel sorry for me, people I'm there for but who won't bother being there when I need them" etc, That is a lie though. I have many friends who are there for me. Maybe not RIGHT THIS SECOND, because they have lives too; work, kids, spouses. But they are there for me when I need it.

Another thing I have learned recently is to OPEN YOUR FUCKING MOUTH. No one can read your mind. If you say "I'm sad." or "I'm having a bad day" the most you will get is "oh, sorry," or "well, I hope it gets better" from most people. If you need a hug, fucking ASK. People cannot know what you need if you never tell them. If you need someone you love to tell you it's going to be OK then TELL THEM. If they really love and care for you they will tell you what you need. If they're really amazing they'll say even more; but hey, you gotta start somewhere. People will never know what is going on in your head if you never tell them. OPEN. YOUR. MOUTH. This is part of loving yourself. You ARE worth their time, you ARE worthy of praise and affection. Take care of yourself and allow people to take care of you as well. You don't always have to do it alone!

I literally texted my dear friend and said "I really just need you to tell me everything is going to be okay. I don't know why I am sad today but I just really need to hear that everything is going to work out." Guess what happened? They told me exactly that! "Everything is okay." followed by a bunch of emoticons one right after the other. Not a random string of hitting a button, separate emoticons showing that there was actual thought put into it, that there would be multiple messages that would come in. How ridiculous must this day be that I am analyzing emoticons? LOL. SOME DAYS IT BE LIKE THAT YO!

So, in closing, there are always going to be good and bad days. Yes the bad days are much worse than the bad days a person without a mental illness will have, but hey, it's part of our lives. Just like any illness we have to realize that we work with what we have.

If anyone needs support at any time feel free to comment on any of my blogs with an email address and I will be there for you; if you're a good friend you should already know that any day, any time, anything, I am here for you.

Sunday, May 24, 2015

A little about Suicide, a little about randomness

So today a group I am part of "Stigma Fighters" on facebook posted a link to this blog: http://madgirlslament.com/2015/05/24/i-have-a-mental-illness-and-it-sucks/

It is very raw and reminds me of the way I have felt many, many, times. We actually thought I was bipolar for awhile, but the depression medication is working very well so the anger that I felt was part of the depression, but was the same intensity that this woman describes. Funny how similar symptoms can be for so many different things. No wonder it's so hard to diagnose anyone. Anyway, that explosive anger is absolutely embarrassing; but when you are that angry you don't realize it or care. You just see red, and explode. It is so unfair for anyone to feel that way. It's one thing if you're angry at someone for doing something, or at yourself for screwing something up, but just blind rage over STUPID SHIT is fucking unfair. You can't "just calm down" and you sure as hell can't "just ignore it" until you feel better. I saw a video about an autistic girl finally able to share what is going on in her head when she has episodes of headsmashing, flailing, etc and it described the feeling perfectly. She said something like "It feels like if I don't do it I will explode, I need to do it to feel relief". This is how the explosive anger is. You can't stop yourself from losing it. It's not a conscious decision. You feel powerless in the throes of your own anger. I honestly wish there were a way to fix everyone, and I'll say this; until you have felt powerless about your actions, you will never understand. So if you're shaking your head saying "just act like XYZ, just do this" you just do not get it and until you open your mind you never will. It is a huge form of powerlessness. It feels like the practical you is being pushed off into the corner and this other you has taken over.

So I was talking to my friend Sherry about the blog referenced above, she is Bipolar. The thing that stuck with her the most was the information about suicidal thoughts. I'd like to point out that I got her permission before sharing this, because I am not a jerk. She said "I'm always discovering new ways I could kill myself, In the car, in my home, it's always there." then when I expressed that I was glad mine went away with medication because I couldn't handle that everyday she said "I've always had them, they never stop. Sometimes it pops in my head...that would be an easy way to kill yourself..then I feel stupid because why am I thinking that?" this RIGHT HERE is the issue. It is not a conscious "I want to die. I could do this to kill myself" this is RANDOM thoughts. Just like someone would think "Oh that picture is lopsided, I should straighten it". I think that many people don't realize how randomly the thoughts enter your head. How they show up and you have to examine them, determine why you even thought it, and how you are going to handle it. On a bad day the way of handling it can be extremely unhealthy; cutting, falling into a depressive state, and just all around destructive behavior. On a day when you're thinking clearly and the thought just passes your mind it may be easier to brush aside, but is no less unsettling.

When I was suicidal I just did not care. I did not see any good in life, there was nothing. All I could think of was how horrible everything was and how much better it would be to just not have to feel this way anymore. I think I touched on this in previous blogs about how depression just constantly makes you feel horrid. Some people have the thought that the world would be better off without them, others want the pain to stop. I'm sure there are people who feel differently but this is what I have personally seen so please don't think I am making it as simple as that. My personal journey was that I wanted the pain to stop.

Until you are "mentally healthy" (as much as you can be) you don't realize just how bad things were. Looking back I am appalled at the things that depression made me believe to be true. It's almost disgusting how much self hate and loathing resided in my head. I'm surprised there was room for anything else honestly. My head was this storm of swirling clouds, lightning, and thunder. Finding myself and finding my happiness has been an amazing journey and without the help of my friends I never would have found it. Many people are able to do this on their own, but I am not one of those people. I had a fairly good support system but some of them thought they were helping when they were really making things so much worse. Something you have to do is strip people down to exactly who they are to you. if they are only in your life because you feel some kind of ties to them that you cannot sever, yet they are not helpful, you really have to rethink why they are in your life. This has been one of my biggest struggles. I have let go of so many people over the last year. more people than I ever thought I could. Because you have to think of your health. Unfortunately we live in a society where people are taught to be what everyone else expects of them (if you live where I do at least). Recently I have had some very amazing people come into my life who have helped me more than anyone in my life ever could. (you know who you are)

 Letting go of people who are close to you, but poison to your health is the biggest struggle and has the best reward. I feel as though in the last few months I have gained a backbone. Being Pagan I am keen on visualizations and my body. It feels like I went from barely able to crawl, hunched over with this black ghoulish demon on my back; to standing tall, with a spine of gold that feels like it is crafted of pure light. Finding this strength is so new and different. I feel like a different person. I am a different person. This journey has been incredibly hard but I am so glad that I got the chance to make it this far. So many don't. That is why I feel like I need to write about this. First of all because I am at a point where I can write about my story and my depression without freaking out and being negative, and secondly because I think people need to hear that this is real. This is something that happens and until we start showing people that everyone is human, there will be many more issues and deaths that come from this. We as a people need to start showing that everyone is human, their feelings are valid, and that by helping each other we can grow as a society. Instead of pushing this ideal that everyone must be perfect all the time and any uncouth behavior is an issue of the person not trying hard enough. We are all human.

Tuesday, May 19, 2015

My story

My story

So I said that I would tell my story.
And here I go



My childhood was horrid. It could have been worse but there were many things about it that probably contributed to my issues. I'd like to think that my depression does not have much to do with it, but many people believe that it is a part of it. So now that that bit is out of the way....


I was diagnosed with depression as a child, maybe 10 or 11 years old. Maybe younger, I honestly don't remember. I was made fun of a lot in school for being the "fat kid" so I had depression AND self esteem issues. (Which I can finally say that I am over. I am happy with my body and love myself) When I was about 12 I started getting into "alternative" paths. at 14 I was "goth" and definitely that stereotypical goth kid. Listened to insane screaming music. Poured my pain into the words I screamed in my room. I started cutting; because it allowed me to have the pain that was on the inside be on the outside. I personally feel that if my mother had gotten me on medication then I would be living a VERY different life. That said, I would not be the amazing person I am. So unfortunately I needed to feel that pain and be that person. Anyway, At 15 I took an entire bottle of Tylenol. I just didn't want to feel these horrible feelings anymore. What was the point of being alive if life was only pain and suffering? I was so freaked out that I started hyperventilating and threw up. If I had not thrown up those pills I would not be here writing this. The Gods were smiling on me that day. Someone took pity on me. I still had life to live.
After that I completed High School, was on my own at 17 and without the help of friends and their parents (Looking at Sherry and Ray Bushman, and even Phyl Alexander) I don't know what would have happened. I knew how to "handle" my depression at this point. I was miserable and hated myself, but I knew how to try and make life work. I got married (too young) and divorced. I got remarried years later and then my depression took a HUGE turn for the worse. I was in a new town with no friends and hated my job. The new town was small and had NO opportunities for me. My husband was gone 6 days a week (or just never came back) working. My depression started to consume me. I couldn't think of anything else. I went out and hiked, worked out at the gym, started restricting my diet, (the Handfasting was coming up and I couldn't be a fat blob) and just generally being miserable. Everyone thought I was just overwhelmed with Handfasting plans and working out to look good in my dress. Really I was punishing myself. The intake guy at the mental health place recently actually said "oh you were working out 2 to 4 hours a day? you must have felt amazing!" no dude, my depression was the worst it had been since High School. Working out and eating healthy do NOT work if you have an extreme case of depression.
anyway, on our honeymoon I found out some pretty horrible and trust-breaking information. This made the depression spiral even worse. Right about the time I started really feeling like inflicting self harm Robin Williams committed suicide....anyone who has had depression and tried or understands being suicidal will realize how horrible you feel at that point. The fact that someone who was so much of my childhood felt that way at the time of his death broke my fucking heart. I realized that this is not a joke. I cannot ignore this anymore. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. SO EASILY. I was just ONE bad day away from that. When you realize how close you got, without even knowing, to becoming suicidal something snaps inside you. You wake up and think "my god, how did it get this bad?"
Well, it got that bad because depression is a silent killer, it is a tumor feeding on your energy, your brain. Another way I have described it is having a snake coiled around your arm and up your neck, constantly whispering everything bad in your ear. You cannot make it stop.
As much as I didn't want to get medication, or even deal with those people at the mental health clinic, I knew something had to be done. I pulled my ass up off the couch, forced myself to go in. Took their pills, nothing happened. Took more of their pills, started to feel OK but still horrid. I was on 40mg of Celexa and it was great, but I felt tired from being happy all the time. I started having the sexual side effects. *TMI ALERT* I couldn't feel my vagina. Sex was lame. I just didn't care. So I told my dr that I needed to try something else. She said Lexipro should be the same thing but without the side effects. So I tried that. after a week and a half I heard voices. It started with people outside the window talking, (there was no one) then one day I was in the bathroom and heard a man's voice YELL at me. I stopped taking them and switched back to the Celexa (After talking to my dr) after the sexual side effects still being there, she decided that we needed to try something else. She put me on Wellbutrin XL ....but didn't tell me that I was supposed to wean off the Celexa. I didn't have any Celexa left in the first place. So my week between the meds working was the worst depressive episode in my life. This is the shit you have to deal with. That said it is SO worth it.
Right now I am on 300mg of Wellbutrin XL, and am going to ask for the next higher dose just because I can still feel depression creeping in every so often.

I am a generally happy person and I will say that my depression has made me much more compassionate towards others. Especially those with mental health issues. This is no joke and is not something to take lightly. Now I am becoming the person I want to be. I have learned to love myself and am hoping that this last lingering bit of depression decides to kick the bucket when I get a dosage increase. I realize that there will still be bad days, but I need them to be a little bit less.

This is my story (summed up ) (Inigo?) I think that more of us need to share our stories and get the word out that WE WALK AMONG YOU.

Be compassion, be love, help others.

depression



Lately I have been thinking a lot about Depression. I think I need to share some thoughts and my story.

There is a Ted Talk by Andrew Solomon (http://www.ted.com/talks/andrew_solomon_depression_the_secret_we_share?language=en) that has been making the rounds again. It originally was a part of a 7 video mental health playlist by TedX. I really like the way that Andrew Solomon articulates his views. He is extremely intellectual and can put words to things in ways that I never could. At one point he says "one of the things that often gets lost in discussions of depression is that you know it's ridiculous. You know it's ridiculous while you're experiencing it. You know that most people manage to listen to their messages and eat lunch and organize themselves to take a shower and go out the front door and that it's not a big deal, and yet you are nonetheless in its grip and you are unable to figure out any way around it. "
When depression takes hold, you KNOW it is making you act out, you KNOW it is absolutely ridiculous, and you KNOW that you are being fucking stupid. If anything that knowledge makes it worse. It perpetuates that thought of "WHY CAN'T I JUST BE FUCKING NORMAL?" which sets off a whole new round of depression. 
This is not a question of "changing your thinking" you CANNOT. If you have used positive thinking to cure your "depression" you either had a very light case of it, or have confused being sad with depression. Those of us that deal with extreme cases of depression have a bit of a different view on it (I am not trying to be offensive, but don't you dare tell me that I can change my depression through positive thinking, or diet and exercise, unless you want me to come at you like an angry gorilla k?) 
The way I describe my depression is like a tumor, a leech, it has it's claws in your brain and there is NOTHING you can do. It feeds into every little insecurity and fear you have ever had. Think you're fat? it will tell you that you are fat and worthless, that no one can ever REALLY love someone as hideous as you. There is no telling it to shut up. Eventually you start believing it. It will tell you what a failure you are; where are you in life? oh you have a degree? it's a bullshit degree anyway, where has it gotten you? oh a job and a ton of student debt? and you still can't do ANYTHING right. This is running through your head TWENTY FOUR SEVEN. You start believing it, because you start thinking that you are seeing things right. It talks you into believing that your eyes are finally open, and before you were just a naive idiot. which keeps you in it's grip. 
Recently I have had the issue of being able to believe that people are not hiding things from me. This is one of the worst ones, because you think that people are lying 24/7. Didn't text me back but you were online on messenger? didn't call but said you would? says you read my message 3 hours ago but no response? My initial response is "they must be talking to someone more important, why would you think that you are a priority? How COULD you be a priority to this person?" Luckily I am on medication (which obviously needs an increase in dosage) and can usually keep myself from messaging said people with "why the fuck are you ignoring me? I don't know why I ever believed I could be someone to you!" and other horrid hateful shit. One thing they don't tell you about depression is it can make you SOOOO HATEFUL. You will say things that you KNOW will hurt people and you just don't care, because you are so caught up in your own feelings that all you care about is how you feel; and honestly? you can't stop the word vomit because it is a release. Without it you feel that you will explode, from the inside out, just explode and never be again. You are just SO ANGRY, SO HATEFUL, SO EXPLOSIVE. Luckily I found a medication that works for me (after MUCH trial and error and near self mutilation) If you are dealing with depression I will say that medication helps. The rollercoaster of finding meds that work is HORRIBLE, but after finding one that works, you will feel nearly normal. You can be happy. Things will make you happy and you can work on positive thinking. You can work on not always seeing the negative. That FREEDOM? IS SO SWEET. 
This is getting to be a super long post so I'll end it here, and continue in a second post. 

Amanda