A little about Suicide, a little about randomness

So today a group I am part of "Stigma Fighters" on facebook posted a link to this blog: http://madgirlslament.com/2015/05/24/i-have-a-mental-illness-and-it-sucks/

It is very raw and reminds me of the way I have felt many, many, times. We actually thought I was bipolar for awhile, but the depression medication is working very well so the anger that I felt was part of the depression, but was the same intensity that this woman describes. Funny how similar symptoms can be for so many different things. No wonder it's so hard to diagnose anyone. Anyway, that explosive anger is absolutely embarrassing; but when you are that angry you don't realize it or care. You just see red, and explode. It is so unfair for anyone to feel that way. It's one thing if you're angry at someone for doing something, or at yourself for screwing something up, but just blind rage over STUPID SHIT is fucking unfair. You can't "just calm down" and you sure as hell can't "just ignore it" until you feel better. I saw a video about an autistic girl finally able to share what is going on in her head when she has episodes of headsmashing, flailing, etc and it described the feeling perfectly. She said something like "It feels like if I don't do it I will explode, I need to do it to feel relief". This is how the explosive anger is. You can't stop yourself from losing it. It's not a conscious decision. You feel powerless in the throes of your own anger. I honestly wish there were a way to fix everyone, and I'll say this; until you have felt powerless about your actions, you will never understand. So if you're shaking your head saying "just act like XYZ, just do this" you just do not get it and until you open your mind you never will. It is a huge form of powerlessness. It feels like the practical you is being pushed off into the corner and this other you has taken over.

So I was talking to my friend Sherry about the blog referenced above, she is Bipolar. The thing that stuck with her the most was the information about suicidal thoughts. I'd like to point out that I got her permission before sharing this, because I am not a jerk. She said "I'm always discovering new ways I could kill myself, In the car, in my home, it's always there." then when I expressed that I was glad mine went away with medication because I couldn't handle that everyday she said "I've always had them, they never stop. Sometimes it pops in my head...that would be an easy way to kill yourself..then I feel stupid because why am I thinking that?" this RIGHT HERE is the issue. It is not a conscious "I want to die. I could do this to kill myself" this is RANDOM thoughts. Just like someone would think "Oh that picture is lopsided, I should straighten it". I think that many people don't realize how randomly the thoughts enter your head. How they show up and you have to examine them, determine why you even thought it, and how you are going to handle it. On a bad day the way of handling it can be extremely unhealthy; cutting, falling into a depressive state, and just all around destructive behavior. On a day when you're thinking clearly and the thought just passes your mind it may be easier to brush aside, but is no less unsettling.

When I was suicidal I just did not care. I did not see any good in life, there was nothing. All I could think of was how horrible everything was and how much better it would be to just not have to feel this way anymore. I think I touched on this in previous blogs about how depression just constantly makes you feel horrid. Some people have the thought that the world would be better off without them, others want the pain to stop. I'm sure there are people who feel differently but this is what I have personally seen so please don't think I am making it as simple as that. My personal journey was that I wanted the pain to stop.

Until you are "mentally healthy" (as much as you can be) you don't realize just how bad things were. Looking back I am appalled at the things that depression made me believe to be true. It's almost disgusting how much self hate and loathing resided in my head. I'm surprised there was room for anything else honestly. My head was this storm of swirling clouds, lightning, and thunder. Finding myself and finding my happiness has been an amazing journey and without the help of my friends I never would have found it. Many people are able to do this on their own, but I am not one of those people. I had a fairly good support system but some of them thought they were helping when they were really making things so much worse. Something you have to do is strip people down to exactly who they are to you. if they are only in your life because you feel some kind of ties to them that you cannot sever, yet they are not helpful, you really have to rethink why they are in your life. This has been one of my biggest struggles. I have let go of so many people over the last year. more people than I ever thought I could. Because you have to think of your health. Unfortunately we live in a society where people are taught to be what everyone else expects of them (if you live where I do at least). Recently I have had some very amazing people come into my life who have helped me more than anyone in my life ever could. (you know who you are)

 Letting go of people who are close to you, but poison to your health is the biggest struggle and has the best reward. I feel as though in the last few months I have gained a backbone. Being Pagan I am keen on visualizations and my body. It feels like I went from barely able to crawl, hunched over with this black ghoulish demon on my back; to standing tall, with a spine of gold that feels like it is crafted of pure light. Finding this strength is so new and different. I feel like a different person. I am a different person. This journey has been incredibly hard but I am so glad that I got the chance to make it this far. So many don't. That is why I feel like I need to write about this. First of all because I am at a point where I can write about my story and my depression without freaking out and being negative, and secondly because I think people need to hear that this is real. This is something that happens and until we start showing people that everyone is human, there will be many more issues and deaths that come from this. We as a people need to start showing that everyone is human, their feelings are valid, and that by helping each other we can grow as a society. Instead of pushing this ideal that everyone must be perfect all the time and any uncouth behavior is an issue of the person not trying hard enough. We are all human.